Lonely
by momma2fan
Summary: ***REPOST***Written for the Fandom for Suicide Awareness. Years ago, Bella let Edward go so that he could follow his dreams and not her. Now, a tragedy brings her home for the first time in two years. Can Bella find the strength to let Edward in? Or is she destined to be...lonely? AH. M for language and lemons.


**Summary:** Written for the Fandom for Suicide Awareness. Years ago, Bella let Edward go so that he could follow his dreams and not her. Now, a tragedy brings her home for the first time in two years. Can Bella find the strength to let Edward in? Or is she destined to be...lonely? AH. M for language and lemons.

D **isclaimer: All characters are the express right of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

 **AN: This story was written for the Fandom for Suicide Awareness. Suicide affects millions of people every day. I was once in a place where I thought it was the answer, but I was lucky...not everyone takes the second chance that is given to them. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy. Special thanks to my beta toocute24, thanks Sally. Also to DanaLynn for prereading, I appreciate your honesty! **Tissue Warning****

 _ **Lonely**_

I blew the whistle and watched as the dolphins jumped out of the water and flipped, before landing smoothly back in the water. I blew again and took them through the routine they would do later this afternoon. Once I was satisfied they had all of their tricks down, another whistle blow brought them to me. I knelt down and offered them each a fish as a reward and talked to them like any loving parent would.

"You did well today my lovelies." The answering cackles made me smile.

"Bella, there's a phone call for you."

I turned after giving the dolphins a quick rub and pat. After tossing them each another fish, I walked in the direction of my office. "Thanks, Mak."

I stepped into my office and shut the door before I picked up the receiver and placed it to my ear. "This is Bella."

"Bella, honey, this is Esme Cullen."

"Hi, Esme! What's up?"

I heard Esme sigh before she answered. "Oh, sweetie, I wish I could tell you nothing, but that would be a lie. Sweetheart, you need to come home."

I sat up in my chair, instantly on alert. "What? Why?"

"Bella, baby, your...it's your mom."

I felt my heart skid to a stop. "I'll be on the next flight."

"Alright, I'll have one of the boys pick you up."

I hung up the phone and grabbed my bag and my cell before running out the door. As I drove to my apartment, I made a call to my boss, letting him know that I had a family emergency and was needed back in Washington. He understood, and told me to keep him posted.

I called the airline while I packed my bag, and managed to get a flight that was leaving in three hours. That left me plenty of time to call a cab, get to the airport, and get through security. I would land in Port Angeles two hours later. I shot off a quick text to Esme and let her know my flight information. As I climbed in the cab, I could only hope Edward wasn't the one to pick me up from the airport.

 **~~FSA~~**

The flight was smooth, and before I knew it, I was landing in Port Angeles. I followed the flow of passengers as I made my way from the plane. Once I was through, I headed for the baggage claim. I had just picked up my one suitcase when I heard my name called. I turned at the voice and saw Emmett stalking toward me.

"Hi, Em!" I smiled.

"Welcome home, Bells." He picked me up in a big bear hug.

"Can't breathe, Em."

"Oh, sorry. Is this it?" he asked, indicating my suitcase. I nodded and he picked it up as we headed to his waiting jeep.

"So, Emmett, can you tell me what the hell is going on? Your mom was very cryptic."

Emmett sighed deeply. "I want to, Bells, but I think it would be better coming from Charlie."

I huffed and turned to stare out the window. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew the jeep was rumbling to a stop and the engine died.

I opened my eyes and took in my childhood home. One shutter was hanging precariously to the side, and the flower beds were overgrown. What the hell? I had never seen the house in this shape. I immediately opened my door and walked to the front door, Emmett on my heels carrying my bag.

The front door swung open just as I got to the first step, and my father walked out. He looked like he had aged ten years, and it had only been six months since I had last seen him.

"Bells..." he choked out as he gathered me in his arms.

"Dad, what is it?" I pulled back to look him in the eye.

"Let's go inside and we'll talk."

I followed him inside. The living room was covered in dust and there was mail covering every surface. I watched as Emmett set my suitcase down, kissed my cheek, and then left without a word.

"Dad, where's Mom?" I heard a sob catch in his throat and turned to look back at him just as Esme came around the corner. Seeing her here set something off in me. "Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on!?"

Esme came forward slowly. "Bella, baby, sit down."

I sat on the edge of the couch, my body tense and waited for some answers. I looked to my broken father, and suddenly it dawned on me, my mom was gone. I felt the tears build and looked at Esme. "What happened?"

"Your mom...well, there's no easy way to say this..."

"She left us Bella. Your mother went upstairs while I was at work and slit her wrists. She's dead!" Charlie stormed.

"Charlie!" Esme shrieked.

The tears spilled out of my eyes and onto my cheeks. I couldn't wrap my brain around it; my mother was dead, by her own hand. "Why? Did she leave a note?"

Charlie sank into his recliner and began to cry. "Oh, Bella. We never told you this because we wanted to spare you the pain. Right after you left for college, your mom and I found out she was pregnant. We were so thrilled, we never thought we would have another child. Right before Christmas that year, your mom suffered a miscarriage. She was devastated—we both were. Your mother put on a brave front so that we could make it through the holidays for you, but she sank into a depression shortly after that she was just never able to get out of."

"Dad, that was five years ago. I would have noticed. Mom always seemed fine during my visits."

Esme held onto my hand. "Carlisle had given her some antidepressants, but she eventually stopped taking them. That coincided right around the time you stopped coming home."

I stood up, walked to the window, and stared out to the street. "So right about the time my life fell apart, hers did, too." I would never forget the summer I decided not to come home anymore. That was the summer I found Edward in our meadow...with her.

"Bella, you can't blame yourself, honey; your mom was sick." Charlie came up behind me. "I tried for years to make her happy. I just wasn't enough anymore."

I nodded. "I need some air," I said before I grabbed a jacket off the hook by the door and walked out into the crisp day. It was still cool in Forks for late spring. I guess I was just used to California weather.

I walked so long that I found myself outside of Forks Elementary School. I walked to the playground and sat on the swings. I don't know how long I sat there, lost in my thoughts and memories, but it had started to grow dark. Still, I didn't get up. It couldn't have been dark for long when the headlights slashed through the parking lot. I looked up, wishing instantly I hadn't.

"How did you find me?"

"There are only two places you would go, and you haven't been to one in a couple of years." His voice was still like velvet.

"Yeah, well...we both know why I don't go there, anymore. What do you want, Edward?"

He sat on the swing next to mine. "You haven't been back in hours. My mom and your dad sent me to find you."

"Well, you found me; you can go now," I spat.

"Dammit, Bella! When are you gonna forgive me? We weren't together anymore, remember? That was your decision, not mine."

"I don't care whose decision it was. You still shouldn't have taken her there! That place was sacred!" I could feel the anger pouring off of me. "Look, I can't deal with this right now. I just found out my mother killed herself because she was so depressed from losing a sibling I knew nothing about. Just go away." My voice broke and I hated it. I didn't want to be weak in front of him.

Edward sighed. "I'm sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you." He stood up and leaned down, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Call Alice when you're ready to go home."

I watched as he went back to his car and drove away.

 **~~FSA~~**

Over the next several days, I helped my father prepare for and bury my mother. I had called my boss and taken a month-long leave so I could help my dad through his grief and heal from my own. Two days after her funeral found me sitting in front of her tombstone.

 _Renee Swan_

 _Beloved wife and mother_

 _1968 to 2012_

I don't know how long I sat there until I decided to speak. "I am so angry with you. You left without considering anyone else's feelings. You kept so many secrets from me. I think this is the most selfish thing you have ever done, but what's the use in being mad at you? You're not here to explain yourself. You're not here to tell me that you love me. I miss you, Mom. How could I have had no clue as to what you were hiding? You're going to miss so much now. My wedding, my babies...how am I supposed to do that without you, Mom?"

"You just do."

I turned and saw my best friends walking toward me. Alice and Rosalie had been my friends since the Cullens moved here in the eighth grade. People in town had called us the 'three musketeers'. Where one was, the others weren't far behind. Rosalie and I had started dating the twins at about the same time that Alice had started dating Rose's brother, Jasper. Emmett, Edward, and Jasper had all been a year ahead of us in school, but that hadn't mattered to any of us. We had all been like family ever since. Well, until Edward and I had broken up, that is.

"How'd you know where I was?" I watched as they folded themselves down to sit beside me.

"Your dad." Rose smiled.

I nodded. "Thanks for coming."

We sat there for a while, reminiscing about some of the fun times we had with my mom, before finally getting up and heading to the diner for some lunch. Emmett and Jasper were supposed to be meeting us there.

As we sat and waited for the guys to get there, I brought up Alice's upcoming wedding. "How are the wedding plans coming?"

Alice smiled and took a sip of her water. "Good. While you're here, we'll drive up to Port Angeles and get you fitted for your dress."

"Sounds good to me."

A loud laugh sounded, and we knew that the guys were here. "Jasper stop them. I'm gonna lose my appetite."

"Shut up, Emmett," Alice whined. "You already got your wedding; let me have mine."

"Sorry, Ali. So, Bells, are you gonna be in this one, too?" Emmett questioned.

"Of course. Ali, Rose, and I made a pact when we were in like tenth grade, I think."

Emmett laughed and Jasper smiled. I didn't notice the other person with them. "Yeah, I think I remember you guys doing that. What was it again?" Jasper wondered.

I smiled. "Alice was Rose's Maid of Honor, I'm Alice's, and Rose will be mine."

"You getting married, Bells?" Emmett asked.

I turned to look at him and noticed that Edward had joined us and was watching me intently. I took a drink of my water to moisten my suddenly dry mouth. "You have to date first, Em." I turned and looked back at Alice.

Alice smiled at me softly. She was the only one who knew the real reason I had broken up with Edward. I had wanted him to have a life outside of me before he decided I was the one he wanted. When he had taken the bimbette to our special place, I knew I wasn't. Rose didn't even know what had happened.

"Wait a minute, are you saying that you haven't been dating anyone?" Jasper asked.

I looked up and caught Alice's eye. She nodded discreetly. I sighed and turned to look at Jasper, who just happened to have been sitting next to Edward. "No, Jazz. I haven't been on a date since the summer we graduated high school." My phone chose that moment to ring. "Excuse me." I got up and went outside to answer it.

I could feel his eyes on me as I walked out, but I forced myself not to look back. "Hey Marcus, what's up?" I listened to my boss for a minute. "Well, has the vet looked them over?...What do you mean he can't get near them?" I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. "Okay, I can't come back right now. Listen, go into my office; on the shelf behind my desk is a white CD case marked 'Cindy and Sandy'. Put it in the outdoor and underwater system and crank it. If they still won't eat or interact, call me back. But Marcus, I am not the only trainer that works with these dolphins so you have to try something else." I listened as he spoke for a minute, but barely heard him since Edward chose that moment to appear in front of me. "Okay, the CD should work; it's my voice. Make sure that Mak or Ang are there to feed them. Keep me posted."

I hung up and looked at the man standing before me. "What?"

"Bella, please. I need to talk to you," Edward pleaded.

I saw the look in his eyes and shrugged. I turned and walked to the bench a little ways away from the front of the diner. "So talk."

"Why are you treating me like that bad guy?"

I sighed and ducked my head. I knew that he didn't deserve the way I was treating him. "I'm sorry."

"Bella, look at me please." He waited until I brought my eyes up to his. "Have you really not dated since that summer?" I shook my head. "Why?"

"Really, you want to know why?" He nodded. "I've never been interested in anyone. I was asked plenty of times, but..." I broke off.

"But, what?" I looked away from him. "Come on, Bella, tell me the truth. For once, just tell me the damn truth!"

I whipped my head back around to him. "Fine! I didn't go out with anyone, because how can you date someone when you're in love with someone else!?" I got up and left him sitting on the bench. I would call Alice later. Right now, I needed to be anywhere but here.

 **~~FSA~~**

Sleep didn't come easily for me that night. After my confession of love to Edward, I was nervous. What would he do? Was he going to come here? Did I piss him off? Did I shock him? All these questions danced in my head until I gave up on trying to sleep and went downstairs. The glow of the television caught my eye as I got to the bottom of the stairs.

"Dad?"

"Hey, Bells. I didn't wake you, did I?" Charlie said gruffly.

I walked further into the living room and looked at the TV. Charlie was sitting here, alone, in the dark, watching old family home movies. "Oh, Dad, you can't do this to yourself."

"I just miss her so much, Bells. It's like she ripped part of my heart out and took it with her. At the same time, I am so angry with her for leaving me here alone." He turned to look me in the eye. "I wish I knew if that was normal."

I crouched down until I was eye level with my father. "Dad, Mom didn't die from a disease or any other health issue. It's not like we had time to prepare for it; it was too sudden. She was sick dad, but not in a way that could be fixed with medication. We have to come to terms with that and forgive her."

I watched my dad nod and then turn back to the television. After a while, he shut it off and stood to go to bed. Before he made it to the stairs, he turned to look back at me. "You know, you should take your own advice, Bells. Forgive yourself for letting him go, and then forgive him for listening."

I stared, slack-jawed at my father's retreating form. Was he right? Was I still harboring old feelings of guilt? I knew I loved Edward—that hadn't changed. But I didn't want him to be stuck if he and I had stayed together. He was going to medical school, and I was going to study marine biology. He was staying in Washington, while I was heading to California. When we had gotten our acceptance letters we had decided we would try the long distance thing. We would see each other on breaks, email and call all the time. But by the end of the summer, I realized that I couldn't do that to him.

Edward had always been beautiful, and the ladies liked him, but I knew he was always with me. We had talked of marriage and babies after college, but I wanted to make sure I was who he wanted, so I told him maybe we should see other people when we were at school. He fought me at first, but I was determined. Finally, when we were leaving for school, Edward had reluctantly agreed to see other people. There was only one problem with my plan...I didn't see other people. Alice had told me it took Edward six months before he went out with someone, but he was miserable.

She had been angry with me, as well, especially when she found out I wasn't seeing anyone else. She wanted me to tell Edward the truth, but I refused and wouldn't let her tell him either. Somehow, over the following four years in college, I focused on my studies and ignored the looks I received from the male population on campus. It was only when I went home for spring break of my final year that my heart truly broke.

 _"Hey, Mom, I'm gonna go for a drive before the rain hits, okay?"_

 _My mom had come out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a towel and just smiled. "Sure, honey, just make sure you get back for dinner."_

 _"I will." I kissed her cheek and went out to my car. It was a beautiful, sunny day, but there was a storm on the horizon. There was only one place I wanted to go, but I hadn't been back in almost four years._

 _I walked the familiar path after parking my car, and reveled in the fresh air and sounds of the wildlife. When I made it to the clearing, though, my world shattered._

 _There, in the middle of 'our' meadow, was Edward, wrapped around a beautiful blonde woman. They must have heard my gasp of surprise, because they both turned to look at me._

 _The shock and hurt must have been written all over my face, because Edward took a step toward me. "Bella, I..."_

 _"How could you?" I cried. "Of all the places, how could you bring her here?"_

 _This was the place where we had shared our first kiss, where we had said 'I love you' for the first time, and also, on a blanket under the cover of stars, where I had given myself to him for the first time. We had shared many more moments here, but nothing compared to our firsts._

 _"Bella, please..." Edward walked to me. "I'm sorry."_

 _"Stay away from me, Edward. This was our special place, and now you have ruined it. Why? Is this to get back at me?" I didn't stick around to hear his answer. I turned and ran back to my car._

I had never come back to Forks, until now. Now, I sat in the middle of that meadow and let the tears flow free. His footsteps were so quiet I never heard him come up behind me.

"Her name was Kate. I had only been seeing her for about a month. She kept begging me to take her to the place she saw in the pictures, but I refused. I had come here on my own that day, I swear. I just needed to feel close to you; I missed you so much. I didn't know she had followed me until I felt her wrap her arms around me. She had only been here for a few minutes before you got here." He turned and looked at me, placing his fingers on my chin and pulling my face around to meet his gaze. "I didn't bring her here, Bella. I wouldn't do that. When I saw you standing there looking so shattered, it broke me. I didn't even know you had come home. I broke up with Kate immediately and took her back to school, but by the time I got back to find you, your mom said you were gone. I haven't dated anyone since."

I didn't say anything; I just looked at him while the tears rolled down my cheeks. He finally released my chin and I turned my head away, gathering my thoughts. It was a while before I finally spoke.

"Do you want to know the real reason I broke up with you?" I turned my tearstained face to his.

"If you want to tell me, then yes."

I took a shaky breath before I launched into my reasoning. "During senior year, we were so...together—in sync. We knew we wanted to go to school, settle back here, get married, and have babies. Then I discovered my love of marine biology. That changed things for both of us. I know you were willing to change your plans and come to California with me, but I was so scared you would start to resent me for it later. You never wanted to go that far away from our families. I thought if I set you free, if I left and you didn't see me anymore, that..." My breath was hitching with unshed tears.

"You thought that I could be happy," Edward finished.

I nodded and wiped my eyes. "I just never expected to see it. I'm sorry, Edward."

"Bella, I get it. I do. I just don't understand. If you let me go so I could be happy, what about you? What about your happiness?"

I shrugged. "I have my work. I love what I do; the dolphins are my life. They make me happy. I have some friends down there. They try, but..."

"They're not us?" I nodded. "Bella, I..."

My phone rang in my pocket, effectively cutting off anything else he would have said. "Hello?" I stood up. "Marcus? What do you mean?...Did the CD not work?...Okay, okay, Marcus; calm down. I'll catch the next flight and be there tomorrow. Yes, I promise." I hung up and turned to Edward. "I have to go. My dolphins haven't been eating since I left. Now it's turned dangerous. I'm sorry, Edward...for so many things." I turned and ran from the clearing and to my car with tears streaming down my cheeks.

 **~~FSA~~**

I sat with the vet as he examined the two mammals that we currently floating at my feet. I had been back for a week, and felt like I hadn't left the tank. I was exhausted, but Cindy and Sandy were happy to have me home.

"Bella, it's the craziest thing I have ever seen. They're vitals have already improved. Have they eaten?"

"They've each eaten almost a half a bucket of fish, Caius. I have never seen anything like it. I'm not the only trainer that works with them. They couldn't have been that depressed, could they?"

"I've seen it before, Bella. Mammals, like these two, develop bonds with certain people. Cindy and Sandy seemed to have bonded with you more than anyone else. They might have sensed that something was wrong, and that was why you weren't here."

I nodded, pulled my feet out of the water, and watched as the dolphins swam away. "Thanks for checking them out."

"No problem, Bella. Sorry to hear about your mom." He patted my shoulder and walked away.

I stood for a while and watched Cindy and Sandy splash around before the long hours and days finally set in. I said goodnight to my girls and headed home. I had a small house in a nice neighborhood, but I never realized how lonely the two bedroom bungalow was until tonight. I decided a shower and then bed was in order. I walked into my bathroom, started the shower, and then peeled my clothes from my weary body. I showered quickly, dressed and fell into bed, drifting to sleep the minute that my head hit the pillow.

My alarm woke me early the next morning. I didn't have to be at work until ten, so I wasn't sure why my alarm was waking me at six. Only, when I tried to turn it off, it kept ringing. It wasn't until I had it unplugged that I realized it was actually the doorbell. I got up and grumbled all the way down the hall. I made quick work of the locks and yanked open the door.

"What!?" I shouted at the unwelcome guest.

"Well good morning to you, too."

I blinked rapidly and then wiped the sleep from my face. "Edward? What are you doing here?"

"You left so quickly last week, I just...I, uh..." Edward stuttered.

I giggled. "Come inside, Edward. I need coffee."

I turned toward the kitchen, leaving Edward to close the door. I was just putting the grounds in the filter when he walked in.

"What are you really doing here, Edward?" I didn't turn around.

I heard him sigh before he spoke. "I'm looking into transferring here and finishing my residency."

I spun around and stared at him, slack-jawed. "What? Why would you do that?"

I watched as he carefully approached me. I held my breath when his hands came up to cup my cheeks. "I can't stay away from you. Not now, knowing that all this time we could have been together, loving each other. I love you, Bella. I always have, and I know I always will. Please, baby, I need you to tell me that we still have a chance."

I had no idea that I was crying until I felt his thumb wipe away a tear. I took a deep breath in before I spoke. "For the last five years, I have been alone. I left my family, my friends, and you because I thought that was what you needed. I have been miserable and lonely." I reached up and wrapped my hands around his wrists. "I love you, Edward. I don't want another day to go by without you in it. Stay."

No other words were said as Edward crushed his body to mine and our lips met for the first time in five years. All of the love we felt poured into that kiss.

Edward grabbed me, lifting me up so my legs wrapped around him. Our kisses were frantic and desperate as he carried me into the bedroom and set me down near the foot of my bed. We broke apart, removing clothing as fast as we could. Our movements slowed as each layer fell to the floor. When only his boxers and my boy shorts remained, Edward pulled me toward him for a searing kiss, gently leading me back until my legs touch the bed. I didn't take my eyes off of him as I slowly laid back and used my feet to push my head to the pillows.

Edward slowly climbed on the bed and kissed his way up my body – from my ankles to my calf, to my thigh. He reached for my lace boy shorts, kissing every bit of skin that was revealed as he slowly removed them. There was nothing hurried about his movements. He was relearning me—worshiping and cherishing every part. I cried out as he put his mouth on the most sensitive of places. Just before he could push me completely over the edge, however, he moved on, causing me to voice my protest.

"Patience," he whispered.

Once he reached my abdomen, I ran my fingers through his hair, and moaned as he went a step further, caressing my breasts with his hands and mouth. When, at last, we were facing each other with bodies aligned, he paused.

Leaning on one elbow, he gently stroked my cheek with his free hand, placing a soft kiss on my lips before saying, "You have made me so happy."

I placed my hand over his as he stared down at me.

"I'm yours, Edward. Always."

His mouth attached to mine as he gently pushed inside of me and began to move. And it was so good. He felt so, so good.

And with every touch, every kiss, every thrust, every sweet and erotic word whispered in my ear, I climbed slowly to the edge of the cliff, until finally with whispered words of love, I fell, taking Edward with me.

Later, as we lay there together, I couldn't help but think I had finally come home. It had taken a tragedy to help me find my future, but now that I had, I knew I would hold onto it...always.


End file.
